kay_gmd: (fair)
I've been hearing a lot of people saying something to the effect of

"Even if Trump voters arent themselves racist, sexist, homophobic etc, the fact that he was didn't stop them from voting for him! That's a deal breaker for me!"

I have to say as a biracial, bisexual, liberal mother of a gender creative child that makes a lot of sense to me. But after seeing a few of these something was bugging me.

I don't know all the reasons people voted for Trump, and I may be totaly off on this, but an anology occured to me.

If my house was on fire, and a firetruck came zooming up to my house with a giant swastika painted on it I wouldn't even see that swastika until I was sure the fire was put out. or even if I did I surely wouldn't stop the firefighters while my house was still in danger.

Once the fire was out I'd raise holy hell, but I wouldn't, during the fire, have the bandwidth to care.

I'm not hurting in life. I've got a great job, and a great family, and I don't have any fear that this is likely to change. So, to me while this election was urgent. I wasn't going in feeling like my livelyhood was on fire.

It seems like helping people not feel that way would be a good way to help make sure we can focus on the issues that we find vital.

I don't think we can reasonably expect people to focus on the safety of others when they are conserned about there own. There are people who do that. These are great people. They should be praised. They should not be the new standard. If we're honest I suspect most of us don't live up to that. I know I don't.

Mr. Trump has put a spotlight on the people we have not adequately served. It's easy to be angry at them, or doubt their inteligence, or morality. It's even possible that it's right to feel that way. If we want to move forward as a country we need to find a solution that doesn't rely on anyone feel like a lesser citizen. If we don't we may fix the problem for now, but we're just setting it up to get worse for our children.

My impulse is to push the guaranteed minimum income as a part of the solution, but I think one of the areas where government trying to help people falls far short is going in saying we know the solution we'll do this thing that we came up with in our government office. Many of these things do help. But many don't, and even if they do help there isn't buyin from a lot of the community.

What we need to do is find a way to listen to eachother to seek to understand. In this process we're likely to hear a lot of things that set our teeth on edge. We're going to want to shut people down and tune them out because of that, and we can't afford to do that. We need to find ways to understand eachother. My hope is that in that process we will be understood, but the primary goal is to understand. To find the pain, and work together to relieve the pain.

I want to say that we also have pain, and it is legitimate, and it also needs to be addressed.We should work on that too. But the pain of the Trump supporters just added immensley to the rest of our pain. I suggest we focus a lot of our effort there.
kay_gmd: (fair)
I'm involved with a parent group online, and like so many while it is titled a parent group it is mostly a mommy group. There are daddys that post, but on this particular post none of the comments apppeared to be from males.

So the post was, and I'm being lazy and paraphrasing:

Argh my husband!
We're trying to have another kid, and I'm ovulating, and we need to have sex tonight or tomorrow night and I suggested sex tonight and he rolled over and went to sleep. He really wants another kid. I want to get it started now so I'm not in my 3rd trimester in the dead of summer. Needed to vent!


This fits well in this group, and seems reasoonable, but then we get into the comments. I know don't read the comments, but it's a facebook group, so half the conversation is there, and usually this group is mostly with the helpful advice and sympathy.

Comments included:
I would have jumped on, asleep or not

Poster:I've explained to him that al he has to do is lie there

Commenter A: Suggest preapproved "taking advantage of"

Poster:He's not getting off that easy

Me:trying to be sympathetic, but if we switched the gender on this it would sound rapey. i thought the rule was enthusiastic consent.

C.A: Does sound rapey. Only started when trying to have child. Even when I push it he could say no/indicate lack of interest. Explicit Consent is hard when your busy.

P: We are both consenting.

Further elaboration

P: not getting off that easy comment just a joke, sorry if I offended anyone else.


It was really this last that got me, and if you've made it this far I appreciate it.

Full disclosure i'm paraphrasing, and probably dropping a lot of the nuance of the conversation, and we didn't have any trouble at all conseiving Kosh.


I grew up in the 80-90s when political correctness was something that came up in conversation a lot more than it does now. It was akward, and it was taken to extremes like maternity leave (seperate from paternity leave) for men. But the pendulum swing on it can be dangerous, and in many areas like this one is more illustrative of a problem in the culture than we want to admit.

One issue is that even though something is intended as a joke that may not be clear to everyone interacting with it. This is especially true of the internet. You don't know whonwill see your joke,and if someone doesn't know it's a joke that someone might look at this as reinforcing a behavior, and that builds the cultural norms. This can be especially problematic around sex related interactions, and with racist, or any other ist you like jokes.

But more importantly what does it say when ts is how we joke?

How did it become funny to threaten someone, or belittle someone. What does it do to our culture, and show to our children when we use threats and insults to make ourselves happy?

This isn't all I wanted to say, but maybe it's enough to let me stop trying to compose it in my head.
kay_gmd: (fair)
So I know I'm behind the times, but I read about the Stubenville Rape this morning, and I was incensed.  Really what the fucking fuck.

Cut here for anyone who doesn't want to read about it.Cut here for anyone who doesn't want to read about it. )

Edited to correct these weren't college boys they were high school boys.
kay_gmd: (fair)
On the fuzzy gentler side of sexism:

The other day I did a site visit for work.  It was really interesting, and I learned a lot, and it's always nice to get out of the cubicle maze for a bit.

There was a group of us, and we got done early so we went to lunch.  I was driving, so I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation in the van, but one of my coworkers we'll call Mike had been giving another one a hard time about not trying to get a promotion.  A second coworker we'll call Greg took a moment while the two were away from the gentleman not seeking promotion took a moment to try to encourage Mike to be less pushy, and not give his coworkers a hard time.  Greg and Mike are both in my office while the other guy is in a different office at the commission.

Greg is one of those guys that makes the office move more smoothly.

So since I ended up sitting next to Mike I tried to chip in.  We conversed for a while, and eventually I mentioned that I thought I probably should have moved out of Grants and Loans earlier putting myself in the place of the guy from the other office.

Mike blew this off with  “yeah, but you were building your family" or something like that.  I was in Grants and Loans for 5 years, over that time I got one promotion.  I'll give myself about a year for maternity leave, and recovery from being gone.   Which puts me in almost the same situation as the guy he’d been bugging.

Now, I don’t really want Mike to be pushing me to be trying to get a promotion, but it seems like this is symptomatic of a larger thing where men are expected to push to get to the highest level in their job, and women are not.
This concerns me both for the men who have found the right spot, and don’t want to move in their career, and for the women that do, and for all the people in between.

Doing what feels good for you:

I've been listening to the Zen Parenting podcast https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/zen-parenting-radio/id414414318. ; In general I get a lot out of the podcast, but they spent some time talking about the flu shot.  They had some good ideas about ways to keep healthy, but they said that they did not get the flu shot, and encouraged the listener to do what felt right for them.

If you're living in isolation that's okay, but the point of vaccination is to build herd immunity.  So not taking a vaccine doesn't just effect you it effects your whole community.  That's why people are saying get the flu shot.  We don't really care if you want to get the flu we care that you not become a flu carrier.  [livejournal.com profile] hsifyppah has a much more articulate post on this, but I'm not finding it.
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